Biggest disappointment – Thomas Muller
Muller’s record in World Cups: 10 goals in 13 matches; his record in European Championships: 0 goals in 11 matches. It is utterly baffling how a goalscorer of his ability just couldn’t find the net in France. He had opportunities – 20 shots in total – but was unable to break his duck. Had he turned up, Germany could well be champions.
Worst team – Russia
From their ‘fans’ in Marseille, to their apologetic politicians and players, Russia were a team which looked old, slow and lacking ideas and endured a truly awful tournament. Their 1-1 draw against England is more than what the Ukraine could manage, but at no stage did they provide any joy or inspiration, on or off the field.
Worst haircut – Ricardo Quaresma
You can admire the gall and creativity, you can appreciate the artistry and the fact a hairdresser has managed to pull it off, but that still doesn’t take away from the fact the Portuguese forward looked ridiculous. Having an olive leaf from Portugal’s coat of arms shaved into your head isn’t patriotic, it’s just being a big show-off.
Worst moment – Joachim Low
As we’re a family newspaper we chose not to publish the incriminating images of the Germany coach digging at his nose, sniffing his own armpits and engaging in a game of pocket billiards. What’s worse is that all these incidents came in different games. Leave yourself alone, Joachim!